xmas pressies for true believers

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    Christmas Gifts for Topanga

    Posted by ; ) on 23:51:47 12/03/04

    As proof that Christmas is NOT just for uptight Bible thumpers or "breeders" anymore, holiday gifts for left-wing "progressives" are flying off the shelves! Here are this year's top selling liberal "Winter Holiday" presents, as seen in the latest Neiman Marxist catalog:

    Progressive Hero Trading Cards - Show your solidarity with the most beloved progressives of the past century. Set includes such liberal icons as Ronald Everett (the convicted felon who invented Kwanza and burned a woman's mouth with a hot soldering iron), Ira Einhorn (the convicted felon who created Earth Day just before murdering his girlfriend and fleeing to Europe), and Yasser Arafat (the father of modern Islamic terrorism). Each pack of cards comes with one stick of organic chewing gum. $7.99/pack.

    The Complete Guide to Moderate Muslim Leaders - Put the haters on the right in their place with your knowledge of moderate Muslim leaders. This comprehensive book is a "Who's Who" of modern Imams and prominent Muslim leaders who don't endorse the destruction of Israel, the murder of civilians, Palestinian suicide bombings, the decapitations in Iraq, or the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Conveniently fits into your shirt pocket (since it's the size of a postage stamp). Published by Simon and Sheuster. 3 pages. $24.95 (Optional thimble carrying case: $3.00)

    The FM Voice Modulator (Feminized Male Voice Modulator) - Are you embarrassed by your high school or college-aged son's deep, booming, masculine voice? Do you wish he sounded more like the whiny, nasal, effeminate sissies that make up 85% of his generation? Now he can! The FM Voice Modulator is a clip that attaches directly to your son's larynx. Clip in on him Christmas morning, and he'll be speaking like Sean Lennon by the time school starts back up! $15.99

    "He's Not My President!" World Map - Feel better about yourself with this beautiful Rand McNally world map, showing the U.S. states that didn't vote for Bush (as well as all foreign countries) colored in blue. Even the oceans are blue (proving that our aquatic friends are intelligent after all). How can Dubya claim he has a "mandate" when countries such as China, Zimbabwe, and the Lost City of Atlantis didn't vote for him? He can't! $35.99

    Cruelty Free Home Abortion Kit - Save time and money with this easy do-it-yourself home abortion kit. And when you're finished, celebrate your right to "choose" with this delicious Roe v Wade cake. And it's 100% cruelty free (no animal products were used in the cake)! $135.99 for complete kit ($24.99 for cake only).

    Spanish to Ebonics Dictionary - You no longer have to worry about being assaulted by the "white man's language." This convenient Spanish-to-Ebonics dictionary is the perfect gift for people living in Oakland, Los Angeles, and Houston (as well as most blue states). $12.99

    Transgenders (Robots in Disguise) - Retro is in. The 80's are back, and there's a new progressive twist to some of your old favorites. Transgenders are the perfect gift for confusing and feminizing your son (which will be mandatory by 2008, so you might as well get a head start). One moment, it's a car. The next, it's a woman with an Adam's apple. Transgenders provide hours of family fun (as well as teach an important lesson about "tolerance"). Other updated classics include She-Man, CAIR Bears, and every Islamist's favorite flying/exploding car: Chitty Chitty Boom Boom! Prices vary.

    Progressive Hero Breast Feeding Towel - Breast feeding your child until he's eight years old can get tiresome (and can sometimes prompt the haters on the right to make fun of you). Not anymore! Just drape the Progressive Hero Breast Feeding Towel over your chest and shoulder, and Junior can slurp away in style well into his early teens. Feminization has never been easier! Comes in Che, Fidel, or Michael Moore. $15.99 each.

    Nipple Protector/Tooth Guard - When your son started to grow teeth when he was an infant, breast feeding started to become a bit painful. Now that he's 16 (and has a full set of braces) the pain is too much. So should you stop? No way! Just have him slip on the Tooth Guard and let him go! You can now proudly show your flapjacks at anti-WTO protests without those unsightly toothmarks. $8.99.

    Hate Free Currency - Are you tired of being assaulted when you see "In God We Trust" on your money? Now you can make contributions to the DNC without having to read this nonsense. Hate Free Currency is legal tender (with the offensive words neatly scratched out). Pack of ten single dollar bills: $20.00.

    Hate Free Currency Converter - Make your OWN Hate Free Money with this technical marvel (a green Sharpie). Pack of six: $18.99.

    Deluxe Body Piercing Kit - If you're a single hip feminista living Portland, Seattle, or Berkeley, you know how important it is to have the "right" look. Being covered head-to-toe in tattoos may have worked in the 90's, but it's time to get with the program. The Deluxe Body Piercing Kit contains all the essential rings, studs, staples, and railroad ties to ensure you'll never get through airport security again! Be the best looking "woman" at the next anti-Bush rally. Contains a handy checklist to ensure you never forget a body part (ears, nose, eyebrow, upper lip, lower lip, belly button, nipples, labia, spleen, womb, ovaries, fallopian tubes, kidneys, lower intestine, and liver). $150.00

    Politically Correct Revised History Book - Are you sick of hearing people like Sean Hannity say that America "saved" the world from Hitler? Put the rednecks in their place with this P.C. History Book. Contains such "facts" as America LOST WWII, "The Jews" created AIDS, and the high-speed digital home computer was invented in Africa over 2000 years ago. $24.99

    Fondle Me Elmo - Here's the perfect gift for that pedophile at your local chapter of Progressives United. Fondle Me Elmo is an anatomically correct doll who giggles with delight when you do what most NAMBLA members only WISH they could do (but would be arrested by the evil John Ashcroft if they did). Endorsed by the ACLU as "Toy of the Year." $17.99 (batteries not included).

    DVD: "9/11 Bloopers, Flubs, and Practical Jokes" - Laugh yourself silly at this hilarious collection of mishaps and bloopers surrounding the events of 9/11. Hosted by terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden, this 2-hour DVD makes fun of the attacks better than Michael Moore could ever do! $19.99.

    DVD: "Malcolm X in the Middle" (Season One) - Enjoy the hijinks of Malcolm X as he causes all sorts of trouble at home, at school, and in society in general. Fun for the whole family. Contains the critically-acclaimed "Kill Whitey" episode. $29.99

    Hate Free Radio - Are you constantly being offended whenever you turn on your radio? Don't you wish you could shut up the right-wing haters and put an end to their freedom of speech? Since Kerry lost, you'll have to wait a while longer, but in the meantime the Hate Free Radio is all you need. Containing no tuner, the Hate Free Radio is hard wired to NPR. You'll hear nothing but anti-American news reports all week (followed by whale mating calls on weekends). $24.99

    "The Equalizer" Leg Brace - Do you have a son or daughter who excels in sports? Have your calls for them to "be more equal" fallen on deaf ears? Now you can show them the true meaning of "equality" with the Equalizer. The leg brace attaches in minutes (and stays on permanently with Eternal-Bond glue). Now little Chloe or Zoe will know the humiliation they've caused their peers as they'll never win another game. After they've learned their lesson, simply take them to the nearest Emergency Room to have the brace surgically removed. Warning: May cause permanent circulation damage or stunt bone growth. $299.99.

    Baby Grab Bag - Is being a mother even more boring than the women in your Medieval Renaissance Faire Group told you it would be? Well, what are you waiting for? Remember, it takes a village (and you don't need right wingers preaching to YOU about what makes a "family"). Simply put the baby in our Baby Grab Bag (R) and take it down to your nearest Unitarian church (where you can swap it for another one). Didn't get the child you wanted? There's always NEXT Christmas! $199.99

    2005 Excuse-a-Day Calendar - What do "Poverty," "The Jews" and "America's Foreign Policy" all have in common? That's right - they're all convenient excuses you make to justify terrorism against the civilized world. Now you won't have to remember all of the excuses buzzing around in your head. This nifty Excuse-a-Day Calendar gives you all the red herrings you need to win an argument against nasty conservatives. Includes such self-contradictory classics as "America isn't helping the third world," and "America should mind its own business." $12.99

    Democrat Rules Poker Table - Are you tired of losing at Texas Hold-Em? Do you sometimes wish that two pair beat three-of-a kind? Now you can cheat your way to the top with the new Democrat Rules Poker Table. This table (endorsed by Christine Gregoire, Al Gore, and Terry McAuliffe) allows you to change the rules in the middle of the game. Don't like your hand? Draw more cards. Would you like your pair of twos to beat that full house? No problem! How about making all hearts "wild?" Do whatever you want (just as long as you win). $59.99. (Democrat Rules Monopoly coming in 2005)

    John Kerry War Hero Action Figure - War is good. War is noble. War is worth it (when it comes to John Kerry, that is). Relive John Kerry's glory days with this fully poseable action figure. Comes with reversible turncoat and North Korean passport. $15.99

    Kwanza Party in a Bag - Show the world how "with it" you are by throwing your own Kwanza party! It doesn't matter that it's a fake holiday (all that matters is that you say the word "Uhuru" every fifteen minutes like any pseudo-intellectual). Includes fruit basket, gaudy clothes (that real Africans wouldn't be caught dead in), and a Marxist poetry book. $39.99 (Soldering iron sold separately).
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