If you happen to subscribe to a slightly skewed wiew of the...

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    If you happen to subscribe to a slightly skewed wiew of the world, then Mitch Hedberg is your man:

    An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
    You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.
    Sorry for the convenience.

    I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

    I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

    I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

    I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

    If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

    If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

    My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

    You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

    I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "What the hell, cut em up!"

    I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

    I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember.
    Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

    I walked into Target, but I missed.
    I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, "Can I help you?" "Just practicing."

    I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, Do you want me to put them in a bag?
    I said, No, man, I juggle. But I can only juggle eight.
    If I'm ever here buying nine apples, (frickin) bag em up!

    I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don't think I would, cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. Is that all you got around here?
    You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner.
    I'm going to open a chain of Chair, Lunch, Dinners and put them right across the street from bed and breakfasts. Come over, about one. But you have to leave at eleven. Cause you aint sleeping in the (fricking) chair.

    Mitch died in 2005 but his comedy is still very much alive.

    Mitch Stand Up

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