The "Darwin" Awards - good chuckle...

  1. Yak
    13,672 Posts.


    They are finally out. The Darwin Awards: the annual honour given
    to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service
    by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

    Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
    which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
    soda out of it. And this years nominees are:

    Semi-finalist #1
    A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
    getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy
    alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction
    made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
    resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him
    and his sister.

    Semi-finalist #2
    Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft
    at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
    decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control
    of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the
    wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

    Semi-finalist #3
    A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after
    he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
    trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
    taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one
    foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
    jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
    said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
    nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater
    than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael
    said Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma."

    Semi-finalist #4
    A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
    seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the
    rattlesnake as a ball. The friend-no doubt a future Darwin Awards
    candidate - was hospitalized.

    Semi-finalist #5
    Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas
    noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
    building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights,
    power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians
    from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building,
    they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
    frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described
    the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
    retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
    operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse
    exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was
    found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by
    the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had
    never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.


    The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal
    embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex
    of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash,
    but it was a car. The type car was unidentifiable at the scene. The
    lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems
    that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
    Off - actually a solid fuel rocket that is used to give heavy
    military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short
    airfields). He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and
    found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO
    unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

    The facts, as best as could be determined, are that the operator
    of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately
    3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent
    scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating
    properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds,
    causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and
    continuing at full power for an additional 0-25 seconds. The driver,
    and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces
    usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full
    afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder
    of the event.

    However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about
    2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes and
    completely melted them - blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber
    marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional
    1.4 miles and impacting the face of the cliff at a height of 125
    feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the
    driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of
    bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail
    and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a
    portion of the steering wheel.

    Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached
    Mach 1, attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph.

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