the 1st annual palestinian comedy awards.

The 1st Annual Palestinian Comedy Awards.
by Martin M. Bodek

Funniest Denial of Religious Tenets - King Abdullah's wife is the only known arab who walks around with her hair uncovered and her arms bare. The other 4 bajillion arab women gracing the planet have to cover body parts even the Amish leave exposed, but Mrs. Abdullah freely bares more skin than Britney Spears. Her Yasser award comes completely covered up with a burka. The statue manufacturers are clever like that.

Funniest Use of American Merchandise - In one of the various pictures of Palestinian rock-throwers (AKA Children-put-in-the-line-of-fire-to-create-photo-ops-for-propaganda), you can clearly see one such imbecile wearing a Jerome Bettis jersey. Last time I checked, most nations that conflict politically with each other will often boycott their products. Strangely, the Palestinians do not. Look closely next time you see a picture of rock throwers, you will not only see American football jerseys, but GAP and Banana Republic are visible as well. The little Yasser that Palestinian gets will be wearing a Jean Paul Gaultier sweater.

Funniest Quote From an American Movie - Saeb Erakat, who negotiates with Israelis by calling them aggressors and provokers (Imagine a baseball agent calling an owner that while trying to negotiate a contract for his client) was on "Meet the Press." He described the situation in The Middle East by saying, and I quote (Obviously, because I'm going to surround it by quotes), "Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." Recognize that quote? It's Yoda! The Palestinians are quoting "Star Wars" to explain themselves! Can you believe this? I can't, so Saeb gets a well deserved Yasser with funny Yoda ears on it.

Funniest Excuse for Revenge - Hamas screams for vengeance any time one of their fold accidentally blows himself up while building a bomb. This is like um, this is sorta like uh, well, it's like vowing vengeance for someone who accidentally blows himself up!!! There's nothing else to compare this stupidity to! What incredible nonsense! Hamas's Yasser award will come in several little pieces.

Funniest Complaint Against House Arrest - Ariel Sharon told Yasser Arafat to go to his room and stay there till he could prove he could play well with others. Arafat complained that it wasn't fair because he couldn't go to Bethlehem for Christmas. Sharon looked into Arafat's background and discovered that he is a Muslim, who as we know, consider Jews and Christians infidels. Sharon said this was a stupid excuse and made Arafat stay in his room longer until he could come up with a better reason. The "Kafiyeh" on the little Yasser will be replaced with a dunce cap.

Funniest Accent - King Abdullah. This guy is Jordanian, but talks like a Brit. What's going on here? He acts like an extra in "Enemy at the Gates." Anybody see this movie? It was about the Russian sniper that turned the tide of WW2 for the Soviet army. Thing is, every Russian in the movie spoke with a British accent. Curious. This guy Abdullah's got the same accent problem. The etching on the bottom of his little Yasser will come with subtitles.

Funniest Negotiator - Jesse Jackson is doing his best to make nice between Israel and the Palestinians. This is a guy who called Boro Park "Hymietown," then "accidentally" fathered an illegitimate child (What, was he standing really, REALLY close to a total stranger?), which qualified him to give emotional support for Bill Clinton's yen for zaftig women and cigars (Sometimes combining the two). One thing I give him credit for though, he's got a cool voice, and he was funny on Saturday Night Live reading "Green Eggs and Ham." His Yasser will have a little halo on it.

Funniest Comeback to Ouster Demand - President Bush specifically said that Yasser Arafat had to go, and new leadership had to take over. Arafat promptly responded with "He wasn't referring to me." ("What? Me? Guilty?") Oh? How many Yasser Arafats ARE there that President Bush could possibly be referring to? His ongoing stupidity is officially rewarded by having the Palestinian Comedy Awards statue created in his image.

Funniest Refugee Problem -

Arab countries: 21
Total land: 5.3 million square miles
Total percentage of Middle Eastern land: 99.875%
Population: 300 Million
Arab politicians: filthy stinking rich
600,000 Arab refugees: homeless

Israeli countries: 1
Total land: 8,000 square miles
Total percentage of Middle Eastern land: 0.125%
Population: 6 million
600,000 Arab refugees: Not their @#$%ing problem