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    Fixed to the spot, the squirrel realised ...

    he'd buried the wrong nuts.


    A man walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. He says to the priest,

    "forgive me father, for I have sinned. I was golfing yesterday and I cursed"

    The priest asks, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

    "Well," the guy says. "I was on the seventeenth hole, and I had just hit my best drive of the day. It was straight ahead, middle of the fairway, perfect vision of the flag. Must've been at least 250 yards, which was an incredible drive for me. Feeling pretty good about that hit, I walked toward my ball but as I got within 15 yards of it, a squirrel ran out of the forest and grabbed my ball."

    And the priest interrupts "So is that when you cursed?"

    The man replies, "No father, not yet. You see, as the squirrel was running away, it was actually moving me closer to the green and giving me a better shot. But then, out of nowhere, a hawk swooped down and picked up the squirrel, ball and all."

    "Ah, now I see," the priest says. "You cursed then."

    "No father, this was not when I cursed. The hawk started flying over the green, and by some miracle, , the squirrel let my ball drop right over the green. It landed and rolled within 5 feet of the hole."

    And the priest says, "Don't tell me you missed the freaking putt"

    Three squirrels were sitting on animal hides...

    The first squirrel was sitting on a rabbit hide and weighed one pound.
    The second squirrel was sitting on a wolf hide and weighed two pounds.
    And the third squirrel was sitting on a hippopotamus hide and weighed three pounds.
    This proves that the squirrel on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squirrels on the other two hides.
    Two cows are talking in the barn
    Cow A: Yo, what do you think about the "mad cow" disease?
    "Cow B: The f*ck do I care, I'm a squirrel.
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