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Shock Broker Jokes

  1. A stock broker to another "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."

    "You're right" he replied"My whole life all I've done is lose money".

    Next day he comes to work and resigns.

    His co-worker asks" What are you going to do with your life."

    " I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."

    "How" asks the co-worker.

    "I am going to build a web page and take it public."

    ==================

    Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps?

    They had pictures of Stock Brokers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

    Stock Broker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

    What's the difference between a female Stock Broker and a pit bull? Lipstick.

    ===================

    A young man named Rick is given an interview for the position of stock broker with a large Investment firm. What follows is an excerpt of this interview.

    Interviewer: Rick I noticed you were a student at Harvard in the Business program.

    Rick: Yes Sir I was. Unfortunately someone caught me cheating on the finals and I was expelled without graduating.

    Interviewer: You realize this impacts your employment opportunities.

    Rick: I definitely do sir. That paper would have made a big difference in my life.

    Interviewer: Rick I want to test your knowledge of finance. I will give you a term and you tell me what you think it means.

    Rick:No problem.

    Interviewer:Fundamental Analysis

    Rick:Fundamental analysis is a psychiatric term where the subject participates in amusing exercises and the results are used to obtain a quantitative measurement of mental state.

    Interviewer: P/E Ratio.

    Rick: Did you say pee ratio?

    Interviewer: Yes Rick.

    Rick: Oh yes. The pee ratio. Well the pee ratio is in fact a urine test. This test determines within 5% accuracy which days a woman is likely to go on her period.

    Interviewer: Short Squeeze

    Rick: The short squeeze is an exercise that a freshman to a school or a rookie to a team or job must endure. It is a form of initiation. A painful one , I might add.

    Interviewer: That's all the question I have Rick.

    Rick: How did I do.

    Interviewer: Let me put it this way for you Rick

    You have a history of cheating, can't get a job anywhere else, don't know what you are talking about but can shoot the baloney with the best of them. I'd say you are perfect for the job.

    =================

    A young hot shot broker decided to take the day off and go back to visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child.

    He quickly jumped the dog and strangled it. The next day the local paper reported the story with the headline

    " Valiant Student Saves boy from ferocious dog".

    He called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper outline he was a successful Wall Street Broker and not a student.

    The next day the paper issued a correction and the headline read "

    Pompous Stock Broker kills School Mascot"

    =================

    The Walton's invited their new neighbors the Spit's over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Spit asked Mr.Walton what he did for a living.

    4 year old Brian Walton jumped in and said

    " Daddy is a fisherman!"

    To which Mrs.Walton replied" Brian why do say that.Your daddy is a stock broker not a fisherman."

    "No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says I just caught another fish."


    ============

    For many years, a young stock broker at Big Steet Investments would plan a yearly weekend getaway at a mountain Inn.

    He would rendez-vous with the innkeeper's daughter while he was there.

    Looking forward to this years trip he departed with his suitcases in hand. When he arrived at the Inn he made his way up the stairs to his usual meeting room. The door was open and he walked in glancing at the Innkeeper daughter sitting on the bed.

    There she sat with an infant on her lap!

    "Who is that he asked."

    "It's your son" she answred.

    "Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!"

    "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a stock broker.


    =============

    In the midst of the shaky stock market we have had this week many brokers are getting calls from their clients requesting they liquidate their holdings. One broker recounts such a call.

    One of my clients call me on Thursday all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice.

    He says to me "Howard sell it all sell everything , fast right away."

    I try to explain to him that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.

    He says" John, let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5."

    "yes go on" I say.

    "Well. My wife Lucie has this thing about the market. It's a phobia of sorts. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress. Her Great Grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin."

    "Wow Howard I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down in case she asks for it."

    "No John I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."



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