saturday's one-liners

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    Just had a bloke at the door selling raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one

    Kate Middleton says to the queen, "What's the secret to a successful marriage?"
    The queen replies, "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

    The thing I like most about warm weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. They do make me look a bit gay though.

    Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything- KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Chips, the lot.

    Question- Are there too many immigrants in Australia?
    17% said yes, 11% said no, 72% said, "I am not understanding the question please."

    Prince William said he didn't want a traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he was going anyway.

    The cost of living has gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

    Paddy bursts into the Centrelink office.
    "I've been calling 09001700 for days now and there has been no answer."
    "Sir" said the counter girl, "That's our office hours."

    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

    Someone's pinched a pair of my wifes knickers off the washing line. She's not too bothered about the undies but she wants the 12 pegs back.

    Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a photo of them. When I said "Wave", they ran away.
 
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