1. 10,564 Posts.
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    "I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass,

    -- Denis Leary.

    "Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

    -- Oscar Wilde.

    "A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

    -- Groucho Marx.

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

    -- Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
    anti-smoking campaign).

    "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."

    -- Humprey Bogart.

    "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

    -- Joe E Lewis.

    "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your
    mouth shut."

    -- Ernest Hemmingway.

    "He was a wise man who invented beer."

    -- Plato.

    "I can resist everything except temptation."

    -- Oscar Wilde.

    "You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

    -- Mark Twain.

    "Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."

    -- Catherine Zandonella.

    "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs."

    -- David Daye.

    "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

    -- Henny Youngman.

    "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

    -- Benjamin Franklin.

    "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I
    grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

    -- Dave Barry.

    "People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot."

    -- Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI.

    "I drink to make other people interesting."

    -- George Jean Nathan.

    "They who drink beer will think beer."

    -- Washington Irving.

    "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

    -- Ernest Hemingway (For Whom the Bell Tolls).

    "I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop."

    -- Noel Coward.

    The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.
    -- Richard Braunstein

    If the headache would only precede the intoxication, alcoholism would be a virtue.
    -- Samuel Butler

    I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often, but I'm well preserved.
    -- Rose Kennedy, (1890-1995) family matriarch, on her 100th birthday, 1991

    I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
    -- Oscar Levant

    I drink no more than a sponge.
    -- Francis Rabelais, Works. Book i. Chap. v.

    There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
    -- Seen on a bumper sticker

    "Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

    -- Dave Barry.

    "Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times."

    -- Mark Twain.

    "I drink therefore I am."

    -- WC Fields.

    "An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do."

    -- Dylan Thomas.

    "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

    -- Hunter S Thompson.

    "Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol."

    -- NF Simpson.

    "My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?"
    Henny Youngman.

    "Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money."

    -- Robin Williams.

    "I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal labotomy."

    -- Fred Allen.

    "I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up."

    -- Dean Martin.

    I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."

    -- Robert Benchley.

    "He once had his toes amputated so he could stand closer to the bar."

    -- Mike Harding.

    "I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine."

    -- HL Mencken.

    "I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something."

    -- George Burns.

    "I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."

    -- Mick Miller.

    "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

    -- Rodney Dangerfield.

    "Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

    -- Robin Williams.

    "Prohibition is better than no liquor at all."

    -- Will Rogers.

    "Real ale fans are just like train-spotters, only drunk."

    -- Christopher Howse.

    "I am a drinker with writing problems."

    -- Brendan Behan.

    "The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a
    street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got
    the stuff that killed Belushi."

    -- Denis Leary.

    "I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."

    -- George best.

    "I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now."

    -- Bill Hicks.

    "I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping."

    -- Mark Twain.

    "What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others."

    -- Diogenes.

    "If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon."

    -- WC Fields.

    "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the
    best they're going to feel all day."

    -- Dean Martin.

    "The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to
    attend all those meetings."

    -- Arthur Lewis.

    "A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle."

    -- Jonathan Swift.

    "The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a beer bottle, they're on TV."

    -- Homer Simpson.


    "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead."

    -- Woody Allen.

    "I like children - fried."

    -- WC Fields.

    "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our
    grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

    -- Jim Carrey.

    "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in
    the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between
    the two but can't remember what they are."

    -- Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).

    "If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what
    happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

    -- Steven Wright.

    "Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars
    and I'm still hungry."

    -- Mike Kalin.

    "Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds."

    -- Joan Rivers.

    "A winkle is just a bogey with a crash helmet on."

    -- Mick Miller.

    "I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."

    -- Eddie Izzard.

    "I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French
    Toast during the Renaissance."

    -- Steven Wright.

    "You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants."

    -- Eddie Izzard.

    "In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish
    whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to
    mean: Eel with big abcess."

    -- Dave Barry.

    "A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch."

    -- James Beard.

    "I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

    -- Steven Wright.

    "Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming
    out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I
    feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."

    -- Denis Leary.

    "'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'."

    -- Dave Barry.

    "Ice-cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal."

    -- Voltaire.

    "Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."

    -- Jo Brand.

    "The perfect lover is one who turns into pizza at 4am."

    -- Charles Pierce.

    "Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen."

    -- Woody Allen.

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