new orleans' "have-mores" on golf courses

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    New Orleans' "Have-mores" Struggling on Arizona's Golf Courses
    U.S. Daniels

    The Bush administration is working hard this weekend to highlight the distress Hurricane Katrina has caused its core supporters, the Have-mores.

    At an unprecedented press conference on Friday, Bush outlined many of the problems his people, those he called "the forgotten ones," are facing.

    "We've all seen the animal instincts of those who chose to stay in New Orleans," said Bush, "But few have heard of the trouble that those who took the responsible action of filling up their SUV's with $70 of gas and evacuating to golf resorts in Arizona have been having.

    "In fact, I just heard from Karl Rove's nephew today and he - he wasn't able to bring his own golf clubs with him when he left his New Orleans vacation home. His friends loaned him some, but he's got a long torso and needs extra length clubs. He tells me his handicap may never be the same. That's a story of devastation that's not being told."

    In fact, a survey completed today by the recently created federal agency RRA (Rest and Relaxation Admninstration, headed by Bush himself) shows that almost 75% of New Orleans' displaced millionaires are currently without spiked golf shoes. Arizona faces a golf cart shortage the likes of which haven't been seen since the snowbirds started to leave in March.

    "I had a New Orleans resident send me a lengthy e-mail from her laptop in a Starbucks in Phoenix and she just wanted to make sure that we understand that she may never find shoe stores as fine as the ones where she used to shop in her home city. She's become distraught after five days of trying on $500 cowboy boots. Now, being a rancher, that's not something I can understand, but I can empathize with these people. These are my people."

    Bush then relied on his own Texas-style hospitality to invite any refugee to his Crawford faux-ranch for a $2,000 per plate GOP fundraiser later this month. The guest of honor will be former FEMA (Federal Every Man-for-himself Administration) director Michael D. Brown who will be speaking on the GOP's plan to shrink government by privatizing many departments including almost every agency under the Department of Homeland Security umbrella, which includes FEMA.

    FEMA spokesman, Michael D. Brown, who has tirelessly spent hour after hour appearing on television news programs during this week's crisis would not confirm that FEMA director Michael D. Brown has been asked to step down.

    The President then shifted gears and took questions, not from the press, but from his own cabinet who all seemed confused about the best way to help.

    Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was first. "Mr. President," Rumsfeld asked, "do you think we have enough to go after Syria?"

    The President seemed confused so the Secretary re-phrased his question, "Do we have enough evidence to prove, as we all already know, that Syria's government started this hurricane and aimed it at New Orleans?"

    Bush took a moment to think. "Here's what we'll do. We'll send a list of countries over to Porter Goss, all with numbers next to them, like a Chinese restaurant menu and make him choose some and speak in front of the U.N. about the ones he chooses. It should be easy."

    Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice who was still on vacation, asked the next question via speaker phone. "Sir, the Canadians are trying to send military vehicles to Louisiana. We've stopped them at the border. I just wanted to check with you before I officially told them to, you know, screw off? No, no, no...I ordered the veal. Waiter, take this back."

    Bush reacted with a smirk, "Condi, tell them that we're okay. Just tell them they don't have to postpone any gay marriages on account of a flood down here. We'll take care of our own. Heh, Canadians."

    Bush went back to the speaker phone for a question from the also vacationing Vice President Dick Cheney but all that could be heard were crickets.

    "Dick must have passed out again. Or perhaps he's just signing the Halliburton contracts."

    "Well, in summation," Bush said, surprisingly using the word appropriately, "I'm looking forward to visiting Trent Lott's rebuilt house. I'm sure he's got a sweet insurance deal there. As for the people in New Orleans who decided foolishly not to leave the city or buy Hummers or carry large insurance policies or haul five days worth of food and water in a knapsack at all times, I just want to say, you know, tough sh#t."


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