mother's dictionary

Amnesia:
condition that enables a woman who has gone
through labor to have sex again.

Bottle Feeding:
an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too.

Defence:
what you'd better have around de yard if you're
going to let de children play outside.

Drooling:
how teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning:
the art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback:
the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
the strained carrots.

Full Name:
what you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents:
the people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable:
a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent:
how we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.


Look Out!:
what it's too late for your child to do by the time you
scream it.

Prenatal:
when your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared Childbirth:
a contradiction in terms

Puddle:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off:
a child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize:
what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom:
the distance required between the supermarket aisles
so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach
anything.

Temper Tantrums:
what you should keep to a minimum so as to not
upset the children.

Thunderstorm:
a chance to see how many family members can fit
into one bed.

Top Bunk:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.

Two-Minute Warning:
when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal:
able to whine in words.

Weaker Sex:
the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

Whodunit:
none of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops:
an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."