mother's dictionary

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    Amnesia:
    condition that enables a woman who has gone
    through labor to have sex again.

    Bottle Feeding:
    an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am, too.

    Defence:
    what you'd better have around de yard if you're
    going to let de children play outside.

    Drooling:
    how teething babies wash their chins.

    Dumbwaiter:
    one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

    Family Planning:
    the art of spacing your children the proper distance
    apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

    Feedback:
    the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate
    the strained carrots.

    Full Name:
    what you call your child when you're mad at him.

    Grandparents:
    the people who think your children are wonderful even
    though they're sure you're not raising them right.

    Hearsay:
    what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

    Impregnable:
    a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

    Independent:
    how we want our children to be as long as they do
    everything we say.


    Look Out!:
    what it's too late for your child to do by the time you
    scream it.

    Prenatal:
    when your life was still somewhat your own.

    Prepared Childbirth:
    a contradiction in terms

    Puddle:
    a small body of water that draws other small bodies
    wearing dry shoes into it.

    Show Off:
    a child who is more talented than yours.

    Sterilize:
    what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
    and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

    Storeroom:
    the distance required between the supermarket aisles
    so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach
    anything.

    Temper Tantrums:
    what you should keep to a minimum so as to not
    upset the children.

    Thunderstorm:
    a chance to see how many family members can fit
    into one bed.

    Top Bunk:
    where you should never put a child wearing Superman
    jammies.

    Two-Minute Warning:
    when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make
    those familiar grunting noises.

    Verbal:
    able to whine in words.

    Weaker Sex:
    the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

    Whodunit:
    none of the kids that live in your house.

    Whoops:
    an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

 
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