I thought that you might get your meatballs off over the following. ;)
How To Be An Italian.
Italians are the coolest people in the world.
At least, we think we are. This is the first, most essential step in being Italian. It's all about the attitude. You cannot have a small ego and be a true Italian. We are known for our egos; they define who and what we are. People are able to tell Italians not just by their jet-black hair and long last names multiple iozzi's and mecci's and arata's, but by their attitude, their swagger, their arrogance. Though I'm being stereotypical, many Italian men do have this, if not the great majority of them. Once you have the attitude, you have taken the first and greatest step of a wannabe Italian.
Of course, even if one attains this attitude, there are still a few prime requisites to be a true Italian. The name is essential, the last name especially. If one's name is John Doherty, for example, one does not have much chance at being a true Italian. Make sure it ends with a vowel, and is at least Spanish-sounding and looking. Try to speak the name with the rolling r's, and you can get bonus points. While the first name isn't essential, it reduces confusion if someone asks for one's first name only. A Riccardo is pretty obvious, though Jacob is a little sketchy.
Also key is hair color. While half-Italians could get away with blonde or dark brown hair, any other color is unacceptable, except for the obvious: black. With jet- black hair, almost any person can become Italian with a name change and attitude adjustment. Being from a Mediterranean climate, the hot sun and weather darkened the Italians' skin and hair, distinguishing us from the Northern Europeans. We are proud of our hair, which is usually fine and silky, and do one of two things: let it go natural and soft, or gelled up. When choosing the latter, remember the golden rule: One can never have too much hair gel. No matter how greasy and slimy and dirty the hair looks, always think it looks just sexy, even if it an extra five pounds you are carrying around with you in hair gel. And though this might be a turn off to some women, its understood by Italian women, which are the ones a true Italian male would go after if just to preserve the blood.
This leads to vanity. For Italians, its accepted, even right, to be vain. So, when you get a small cut from shaving your beard or mustache don't be afraid to try this conceal this cut with anything, from turning the bad side of your face away from people you try to impress to even, in very extreme cases, makeup. Actually, this is a little iffy. The only time this has been seen or discussed was on The Beat, a show that aired on UPN for about 5 weeks before it was canned. In it, one of the main characters, an Italian cop, asked his best friend's fiancée if she had makeup to cover the bruise he had gotten in a fight on his face. Maybe that's why it was canned.
Moving on, an Italian should care about how he or she looks 24 hours a day, because one never knows who he or she will run into during the day or night. In addition to facial and hair vanity, a true Italian will usually use a putrid amount of cologne or perfume, enough to stifle a skunk. While this also might be considered disgusting, even if its bad, cheap cologne, some colognes are actually smell good. Try to choose these colognes. Never, under any circumstances, mix two or more colognes. This is from personal experience. Once sprayed by a friend with 2 different colognes, I, in a desperate attempt to cover the horrid smell, sprayed a third. Actually dumped over my neck is more accurate. Needless to say, that day did not help my standing with the ladies… anyone for that matter.
After getting the physical characteristics down flat, be sure to watch The Godfather Parts I and II, Goodfellas, Get Shorty, and any other Italian mobster movie. This is essential to part of the attitude, because although not many Italians are actually in the mob, all males act like they are. They must, to feel Italian, and you must also to become Italian. Use the hand gestures, remember to hide the gun in the stall, use the hug and European kiss even with other guys. Italian silks and other cloths should also only be worn, and try to afford the expensive black leather jacket, for no Italian is in a cold place without it. Try to use Italian words when swearing or using any other offensive language, even if one can't speak Italian. Capiche is essential. Say capiche in place of "OK", "yes" when used as an agreement sense, and of course "agreed."
When someone calls you Gweedo, meatball, facashia bread, fettuccini alfredo, or tomato sauce, do not stand for this. Be a true Italian and threaten to have your friends pay them a visit with pliers, even if you do not have this friend. Many times the threatened will believe you and watch out for him or her self for what's not coming. After finishing the threat, call them a gumuziama and continue with whatever you were doing. Life is great when you're Italian.
Note: This article was based entirely on stereotypes, but it was written by an Italian, so assume that makes it ok.
