Hot chilli's

  1. 2,099 Posts.
    Texas Chili
    NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of
    you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They
    actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
    It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

    INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester
    Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I
    was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
    person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
    there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the
    call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
    the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could
    have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted." Here are the
    scorecards from the event:
    __________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
    hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
    __________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.
    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
    to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
    they saw the look on my face.
    __________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the
    beer.
    ________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to
    look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?
    ______________________________________________________
    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very Impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
    lips off?It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming. Screw those rednecks!
    ________________________________________________________
    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.
    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow
    cone!
    __________________________________________________
    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.
    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
    sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
    which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
    shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know
    what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw
    it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
    in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.




 
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