e-mails i thankfully un-sent - part 2

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    E-Mails I Thankfully Un-Sent - Part 2
    by Jack Engelhard
    Oct 19, '04 / 4 Cheshvan 5765

    Jack Engelhard is the author of the novel Indecent Proposal and the award-winning memoir Escape From Mount Moriah. His novel The Days of the Bitter End is being prepared for movie production.

    Yes, more e-mail messages I un-sent, thanks to AOL's "unsend" button, because cooler heads prevailed.

    Some may have gotten through, because there's no "oops" button.


    To Whom It May Concern at the Ball Parks:

    Just this once, can I get me a national anthem straight up, the way it's done by the Marines or the Harlem Boys' Choir? I mean the old fashioned way, without the styling, the funk and all that hip-hop? I think it was Jose Feliciano who years ago started this trend of "interpreting" our Star-Spangled Banner, and since then practically every warbler has rocked to Francis Scott Key. Yes, it was Feliciano; game 5, Tiger Stadium, 1968 World Series between Detroit and St. Louis. America didn't like it then, and I still don't like it now. Go ahead, call me corny.


    To Tom Brokaw of NBC TV News:

    I haven't watched you in years because I don't believe a word of it, but the other day, I accidentally clicked you on and, boom, just in time for Tom Asbell (I think it was) reporting from Gaza and… another Israel-bashing deja vu all over again. Your man mumbled something about Israeli retaliation for yet another Allah Akbar cold-blooded murder, but the camera showed us the usual (the same?) weeping Arab mother, and we know how that works on our emotions. Yo, Tom, and this goes for Rather and Jennings as well, maybe you can fool all the people all the time, but I was there, in Israel, and I saw how it's all staged, like making a movie for the Joseph Goebbels/Julius Streicher Film Festival.


    Hi Melanie:

    Last time [in this same space] I opened by saying that perhaps men should not talk to women, period; it's not safe. So was I prophetic or what? Next day, Bill O'Reilly, our Number One Cable Guy, is in Big Trouble because what did he do? He talked with a woman. (Which used to be safe sex.) We still don't know exactly what he said, or she said, but there you go. Norman Mailer was right. (Please don't ask me what Mailer said otherwise you'll get mad at me all over again.)


    To Jim Lehrer of PBS:

    Again a Palestinian "teenager" was killed in Ramallah? Was he wearing a white sportcoat and a pink carnation on his way to the Prom? Jim, baby, almost all rock-throwers and suicide bombers and soldiers are teenagers for crying out loud!


    To Peter Jennings:

    I understand why you and Tom Brokaw came to the defense of Dan Rather on memo-gate. Ducks quack together, if you get my message.


    To All the Networks:

    Why bother with an election when every minute there's another opinion poll. He's up, he's down, four points this, five points that; it's ridiculous. But okay then, let the people speak according to the latest Gallup or Zogbi and make that the end. Or, how about American Idol? People call in and that settles that. No recounts, no chads; no problem. Kerry, it seems, already won the jackpot, twice, in Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.


    To Donald Trump:

    The only thing I like about The Apprentice is you. Really, I mean that. You're likeable. I only watch the last 20 minutes of your show, the part where you fire somebody. I love that, except they should all be fired, going back to last season. Who are these kids? What a bunch of empty-headed yuppie brats, especially the guys. There's not a trace of music or poetry in them. Big trouble if that's the litter.


    To President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt:

    Years ago there was a terrific comedy team called Nichols and May; that's before they each went on to other things. We're going to the 1960s now, when they were very popular as a team, and one of their skits was about a guy (Nichols) who was very injured, and so he's in the hospital, waiting to be admitted, but the nurse (played by May) keeps interrogating him to fill out all these papers, while he's dying. That was hilarious, and who'd have thought that this is exactly what happened when Israeli ambulance drivers tried to get their wounded back into Israel from the carnage at Taba. Your inspectors made the bleeding Israelis wait until their papers were in order, papers that were burned in the fire. Before was comedy, this was tragedy, and shame on you!


    To Ibrahim:

    You say that Muslims have served in the armed forces, throughout the American generations, as honorably as Christians and Jews. Okay, I can't vouch for every Muslim, and my money says that there are plenty of good Muslims out there, 'cause if not, this is going to be a long century. I suggest you read up on the true story of the Four Chaplains who, during WWII, on the USAT Dorchester, willingly gave up their lives after their ship was hit by a U-Boat torpedo. They stripped off their life-jackets for the other soldiers, and drowned together, all four chaplains, Rabbi Alexander Goode, Rev. George Fox, Rev. Clark Poling, Father John P. Washington. If we're missing a mullah in there someplace, please let me know.


    To Tom Brokaw:

    I forgot to mention that other nice touch where your correspondent in Gaza got an Israeli spokesman to give the Israeli side. Whom to choose for those precious 15 seconds of NBC air? Why, Yossi Sarid, who, predictably, blamed everything on Israel and the "occupation." Sarid is as worthy to speak for the Jews as is Yasser Arafat. You guys really know how to manipulate and set things up, dontcha!


    To Mark the Auto Mechanic:

    Why is it every time I leave your shop with one thing fixed I'm back the next day with another thing broken? Generator, all of a sudden? I am not accusing you of tampering or anything so that I'll be back with another repair, and another bill, it's just strange how this happens every time, that's all.


    To President Jacques Chirac of France:

    Yes, I was quoted correctly when I said the Almighty made a mistake when he dumped Atlantis into the ocean. His first choice must have been Europe, seeing what's going on there. Check out my opinion piece of Sept 15, 2003 at www.israelnationalnews.com, titled "First, the Saturday People": "As for you masters of Europe and your treachery, one day your sly anti-Semitism will come back to haunt you. Over the past centuries, you have uprooted a thousand synagogues and replaced them with ten thousand mosques. Wait, now, and see what grows from the soil of Ishmael. Your churches are next.

    "For Sunday is coming; Sunday, bloody Sunday."

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