Day Trading 15 Apr Pre Market, page-2

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    THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER

    Panama Papers: New Investigation Uncovers List Of Suckers Still Paying Tax

    By The Shovel on April 10, 2016

    Journalists sifting through thousands of documents from the leaked Panama Papers have uncovered a list of dumb idiots still paying income tax.
    The list – which includes Australians – is said to be several pages long. It could be the most explosive find yet in what is believed to be the biggest data leak in history.
    “We’ve learnt some pretty amazing stuff this past week, but even we were taken aback by the idea that some dumbasses were filling in tax returns and paying tax at the proper rate,” Investigative journalists Jenny McGuire said.
    The tax – which is funnelled directly to central tax offices in countries across the globe – is believed to be used to fund hospitals, schools and roads.
    “Some chumps are paying literally thousands of dollars in tax, every single year. That’s money that could be used to fund extra houses and yachts,” McGuire said.


    Curating’ Same As ‘Choosing’, Wankers Told

    By The Shovel on April 7, 2016

    A person who curates fashion, music, food or travel experiences is actually just choosing things, it has been confirmed.
    A study has found that there is absolutely no need to use the word ‘curate’ outside a museum. “Our research showed that curating a playlist is entirely the same as going through a list of songs and picking out the ones you like,” lead researcher Jonathan Wells said today.
    Wells said he was surprised by the findings. “We expected that a curated list of furniture items would somehow be different from a catalogue. It wasn’t”.


    Brazil rebrands Zika virus as ‘Olympic Fever’



    Olympic organizers in Brazil are hoping for a boost to ticket sales, after rebranding the Zika virus as ‘Olympic Fever’.
    “It was becoming quite tiring, pretending to tackle the root of the problem,” revealed retired sports minister George Hilton.
    “So we thought ‘let’s embrace it’, it’s better for everyone,” he went on.
    “Well, not everyone, but certainly our sponsors.”
    With promotion of the Olympics going viral, Hilton hopes that ticket sales will now pick up.
    “They have been a little sluggish but people in Brazil tend not to book a long way in advance”, said the ex-minister.
    “They tend to wait, to see if we finished building the stadiums.”
    As Olympic Fever grips sports fans, Hilton promised that everyone was guaranteed a good view. Particularly as it could cause people sitting in front to have smaller heads.
    This isn’t the first time an infectious disease has been used to promote a sporting event.
    Who can forget the 2010 FIFA World Cup, which was literally abuzz with the vuvuzela virus.


    Odds on ‘phone-friendly cinema’ hosting next US mass shooting reduced to evens


    A cinema in the US where patrons will be allowed to text and use their phones is now the red-hot favourite to be the scene of the country’s next mass shooting.
    AMC, one of the largest cinema chains in the United States, will allow the use of phones in the hope of attracting ‘millennials’ who can’t abide being parted from a screen for five f*ing minutes.
    Chief executive Adam Aron told reporters, “We would like to see our customers texting each other and whatsapping away to their heart’s content, and no, we see no reason why this would annoy anyone or ruin anyone else’s experience whatsoever.”
    Health and Safety officials have questioned the wisdom of allowing people to use phones during a film in a country where almost everyone can be armed.
    Cinema goer Chuck Williams explained, “It’s not that I would definitely kill anyone using a bright phone screen in front of me, so much as I would have to try very, very hard not to.
    “Or find a plausible way to make the authorities believe it was self-defence. Like, he came at me with a bright light, so I had to blow him away, right?”
    “Look, if you really want more people to come to the cinema, how about you start by not charging the GDP of Angola for a box of popcorn?”
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