Church Newsletters

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    Church Ladies With Typewriters

    They're Back!

    Those wonderful Church Bulletins!

    Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters.

    These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
    announced at church services:


    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.


    --------------------------
    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be
    recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    --------------------------


    The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon
    tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
    --------------------------


    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
    those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
    --------------------------


    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
    --------------------------


    Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
    obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
    nursery downstairs.
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    Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the
    help they can get.
    --------------------------


    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
    church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
    --------------------------


    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow..
    --------------------------


    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
    Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
    --------------------------


    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    --------------------------


    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
    person you want remembered..
    --------------------------


    The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
    and gracious hostility.
    --------------------------


    Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
    --------------------------


    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
    may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
    --------------------------

    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
    from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    --------------------------

    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
    lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


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    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use
    the back door.


    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
    Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to
    attend this tragedy.
    --------------------------

    > ] Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
    Please use large double door at the side entrance.
    --------------------------

    And this one just about sums them all up:



    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:

    'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
 
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