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Arfur Mo

  1. spog

    241 Posts.

    Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God.
    “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer into almost every home in the US, yet you also created that ghastly windows ’98. I am going to do something that I’ve never done before…..I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
    Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”
    God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”
    “Fine, but where should I go first?” Bill asked.
    “I’ll leave that up to you.” God replied
    “Okay then,” Bill said, “Lets try Hell first.”

    So Bill went to Hell. It had a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great,” he told God. “If this is hell, I really want to see heaven.”
    “Fine,” said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
    Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell.” He told God.
    “Fine,” replied God, “As you desire.”
    So Bill Gates went to Hell.
    Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

    “How’s everything going?” He asked Bill.
    Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. “This is awful. This is nothing like the hell I visited two weeks ago. I can’t believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and beautiful women playing in the water????”

    “Oh,” replied God, “That was Hell 95’. This is Hell 98’ .

    I was told that an Irish terrorist group allied to OBL had been ordered to send an Email virus to paralyse the world but the orders were misunderstood. That is why they sent the anthrax to Microsoft because their software spreads it faster.

    It was announced by the Gold industry today that gold has been found to prevent anthrax infection. All you have to do is rub a piece of gold over your body once a day. Using a five kilogram bar to bash your mail flat before opening really fixes those pesky little spores too.

    Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was
    rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.


    Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
    Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

    Guy goes into the doctor's.
    "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?"
    "Don't you start"


    "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
    "Well you can't say fairer than that then"


    Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!


    What's brown and sounds like a bell?


    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh.

    So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
    said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second
    time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up
    a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
    And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I
    careered off the road.


    Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went
    back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me
    'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'


    Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the
    other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


    "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left
    a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."


    A man walked into the doctors, the doctor said " I haven't seen you in a
    long time " The man replied, "I know I've been ill"


    A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
    The doctor said "well don't go there any more"


    I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.


    My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect
    from a crossbreed.


    I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got
    a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take
    the next exit, but it was a turn-off.


    I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find


    I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the
    next 2 years.


    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
    He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500
    American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness
    The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even
    leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and
    taps the Texan on the shoulder.
    "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
    The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
    Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all
    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.
    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me
    askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
    The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see
    if I could do it first."


    How rich is Billgates?
    1. Bill Gates earn US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a
    DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR!
    2. If he drops a thousand dollar, he won't even bother to pick it up
    coz by the 4 second he pick it, he already earn it back.
    3. US's national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates was to pay
    the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years.
    4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still left US$5 Million
    for his pocket money.
    5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he don't drink
    and eat, and keep his annual income @ US$30 Million up, he'll have to wait
    for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates now.
    6. If Bill Gates is a country, he is the 37th richest country on earth,
    or US 13th biggest company, even bigger then IBM.
    7. If exchange all Bill Gate's money to US$1, you can make a road from
    earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road
    non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 plane to
    transport all the money.
    8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he still can live for
    35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish his money before
    go to heaven.
    9. BUT!!! If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time
    their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will bankrupt
    in 3 years!

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