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APPLICANT SPEAK

  1. APPLICANT SPEAK

    "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

    "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

    "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.

    "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

    "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

    "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

    "I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

    "I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

    "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

    "I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

    "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

    "MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

    "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

    "I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

    "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.

    "I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.

    "I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.

    "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

    "I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me "for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career. It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with other employees. Due to complaints received from some employees who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

    None of less we do realize the critical importance of individuals being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with fellow employees. Therefore, a list of code phrase replacements has been compiled so proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive co-workers.

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