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  1. Band of Roving Chief Executives Spotted Miles from Mexican Border
    San Antonio, Texas (Rueters)


    Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining
    CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for
    the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and
    writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.
    "They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked
    the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso.
    "Right in front of my daughters."
    Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the ch
    ief executives were first spotted
    last night along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought
    each of the town's 320 residents by borrowing against pension fund gains.
    By late this morning, the CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's
    population to 960, and declared a 200 percent profit for the fiscal
    second quarter.
    This morning, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its
    underperforming areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to
    California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled
    shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated.
    "First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind
    their numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean
    Levitt. "And every time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!',
    they refer us to investor relations. I've been on the phone all damn
    morning."

    "YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"

    The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a
    common executive weakness. "Last night we caught about 24 of them by
    disguising one of our female officers as a CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border
    Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to a flame."
    Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to
    scan the plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas. "Most of the time
    we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis,
    "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the
    loop on that.'"
    Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer
    Associates' Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph
    Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global
    Crossing CEO since 1997. ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski
    of Tyco were not allowed to join the CEOnistas as they have already been
    indicted.
    So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha
    Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she had cut through a
    barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.
    "She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for
    marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place
    settings, using the cut pieces of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol
    officer
    Jennette Cushing. "We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun
    really adds texture to the stucco walls."
    While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into
    Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up
    at the Alamo. "No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport,"
    said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for
    each change as a sale."


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