a letter to the observer

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    A letter to the London Observer from Terry Jones (yes, of Monty Python).
    Sunday January 26, 2003
    The Observer
    I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's
    running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really
    pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
    Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
    queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me,
    but so far I haven't been able to discover what.
    I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's
    got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel,
    don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he
    is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them
    that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my
    neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But
    that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a
    crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red
    tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and
    all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible
    things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people.
    Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic
    firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently
    that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it
    clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in
    and do whatever I want!
    And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is
    the only way to bring about international peace and security.
    The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers
    targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have
    never threatened us.
    That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and
    children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in
    peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
    Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is
    that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
    destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much
    justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has
    for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer
    place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever
    long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How
    will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single
    terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once> >he's
    committed an act of terror.
    What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to
    eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have
    already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone
    who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's
    achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then
    some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only
    really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
    It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of
    the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't
    like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
    really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going
    too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of
    the United States. That shuts her up.
    Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason
    for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole
    street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all
    aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar
    terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say
    'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.
    It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast
    to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
    They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
    safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." --Benjamin Franklin
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