I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana,
I got a sweater for Christmas. what I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.
Question: Which is worse, Ignorance or Apathy?
Answer: I don't know and I don't care.
Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde)
- customer service notice -
Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders. If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.
No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is winning.
I still miss my ex. but my aim is getting better!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
I Live in my own little world, But it's OK, Everyone knows me here.
DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - BAN COUNTRY MUSIC -
It's a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.
If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.
If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
Stop the Slaughter! Boycott Baby Oil!
When things look dark, hold your head up high so it can rain up your nose.
It may be your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a warning to others.
News Item:
It was announced today that Fairchild Electronics will be merging with Honeywell Computers. The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.
Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
I can't rememember whether I'm the good twin or the evil twin.
SOME DAYS IT'S JUST NOT WORTH GNAWING THROUGH THE STRAPS.
People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.
Join the army Travel the world, Meet interesting people And kill them.
Money does grow on trees. It's just that the banks own all the branches.
A marine biologist developed a species of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
GOD IS LOVE. LOVE IS BLIND. Ray Charles is Blind. therefore, Ray Charles is God.
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
24 hours in a day 24 beers in a case Coincidence? I think not!
If we weren't meant to eat animals then why are they made of meat?
Ham and Eggs A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime comittment for a pig.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
ILLINOIS the land of the voting dead
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
emordnilap is palindrome spelled backwards.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES USE BIRTHCONTROL
They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
WELCOME TO VIRGINIA Two Hundred Years of History Unimpeded by Progress
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
After all that work, Alex Haley found out he was adopted.
We have enough youth. how about a fountain of "smart"?
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred".
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
when blondes have more fun do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't suceed skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Police station toilet stolen ....Cops have nothing to go on.
Power corrupts and Absolute power is kinda neat.
If you're going to lay around the house and drink beer all day, you gotta start early in the morning.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One good thing about alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Jesus saves sinners and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.
Hi, I'm bored, heavily armed and I have a bible.
But, what if I want the one in the bush?
> Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
GUN CONTROL: using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
Remember:
FIRST you pillage, THEN you burn.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.
To catch rabbits, Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday 23% Tuesday 40% Wednesday 20% Thursday 5% Friday
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
- MASSACHUSETTS STATE MOTTO
HOME OF THE YOUNG GIRLS FROM NANTUCKET
Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2?
There will always be death and taxes, however, death doesn't get worse every year.
I DON'T GET EVEN. I GET ODDER.
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, I just never got around to it.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Blood is thicker than water and tastier, too.
THE BILL OF RIGHTS (Void where prohibited by law)
Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Talk is cheap because the supply exceeds the demand.